An idiots guide to journalism.

Journalists.

The average journalist.

A journalist is a professional truth-teller no doubt, most often employed by the government of the country that he/she lives in. Journalists provide very important, useful, and timely information to keep the public safe. For example, viewers and readers can rest assured that they'll always be up-to-date on the sexual partners of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Kardashians and some other celebrities no one cares about.

Some have argued that this only really matters to the future sexual partners of those celebrities(not you). Unfortunately for these critics, they don't work for a major advertising agency nor will they. Ever.

How to Be a Journalist

If you lack the taste for comedy and fun ask a journalist. You will be told the truth most certainly.

According to numerous experts, as a journalist, you should adhere to a core set of principles. First and foremost, stories needn't contain the absolute truth, they must never contain more than 23.5% of truth. If one party says the sky is blue, and the other says the sky is yellow, it's good practice to split the difference and call it green. Don't spend too much time in the verification phase.. it's useless anywsy. If CNN is reporting it, just grab the wire feed and change a few words here and there and you got it.

Nobody wants in-depth reporting, or meticulous sourcing. Instead, use the time you would normally do research, and spend some quality time with the people you are covering. They are sure to be credible, well educated people. If you are covering someone in power, it's good practice to quote them as an anonymous source. Otherwise you might come off as too critical and get sued, losing your family and life. For example, if your story is political in nature, who better to get the real story out than the politician who is most affected by it? He's innocent in the majority of cases anyway.

Try to scare the viewer as much as possible. If you can swing it ofcourse. Bottom line, if it isn't either scary or sexy, it's probably not real news, not news at all for crying out loud. Foreign coverage should mostly consist of where Hollywood actors are traveling, and what color children they're adopting. For this reason, if you have a large newsroom, go ahead and assign at least one reporter to a random celebrity full-time. You soon realize they don't do it for publicity after all.

Types of Journalists

The Newspaper Writer: The newspaper writer is currently the most relevant and widely read sort of journalist around. Tens of people still open their curtains each morning, allowing enough light to enter the room to read their daily newspaper. In addition, many people have found great uses for newspapers, such as lining the bottom of their bird cages, or as a handy stuffing for large packages filled with breakable items or for starting a fire.

The Anchormanwomanwomynperson: Anchor humans are very knowledgeable and widely read, and don't really need that ear-thing in their ear that tells them exactly what to say. The best ones are all on CNN and BBC.

The Political Idiot: Political idiots, or "idiots” for short, know everything about politics, and also know exactly what you are thinking. Their predictions always come to pass, and as a result, they're also known as "truth experts” with no qualifications whatorever. For example, did you know that the vast majority of people (who aren't batshit insane liberals) support Donald Trump? Also, you shouldn't be surprised to learn that if the Democrats do anything besides exactly what the Republicans want, they'll be seen as pansies who hate freedom and want to surrender to France. It's common knowledge.

The Blogger: Bloggers are even more respected than newspaper writers, due to the fact that they tend to publish articles using only one hand. Many people read blogs because it is incredibly fascinating to read about people moaning on about their day-to-day lives. Maybe you find a pretty decent blog but most are just whining.

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