GAME OF THRONES
If you don't want this chair, hand over your man card.
Kings and queens, knights and renegades, liars, lords and honest men...all love gratuitous boobies
~Series tagline
So...do I need to sign a contract for season two? Guys? Anyone?
~Sean Bean, Mark Addy, Harry Lloyd, Jamie Sives...ahh, fuck it, there's too many to name.
Game of Thrones: What a Sweet-Ass Chair is a historical docu-drama set primarily in the kingdom of Westeros. It charts the rise and fall of numerous factions, chiefly great Houses, as they battle amongst themselves over who can get laid the most. The show is an ongoing fantasy series authored by the Irish and Maltese tourist organisations in conjunction with the British and Irish actors union Equity, chiefly by putting the names of various characters in a hat, then drawing them out in pairs to decide if characters "like" or "hate" each other. This method of writing has been given a pen name, George R.R. M.A.R.T.I.N,and the series has been running on HBO for a fanbase described alternately as "rabid," "mad as a lorry," "capable of serious bodily harm" and "imp fetishists."
The principal plots involve a confrontation between House Stark and House Lannister, over whether the Queen has been having sex with her brother or her husband; the tale of Jon Snow, who travels north and subsequently laments not having sex; and lastly follows the rise of Daenerys Targaryen, a princess of the deposed former royal family of Westeros, who is sold to a barbarian warlord for her youth and beauty. The show has so far been a sucess. Artistic director Sterling Whoopee has stated they are confident the series will continue.
The show has largely been faithful to the original books, with only minor changes to the amount of lesbian sex shown (approximately 78% of screen time is given over to this, compared to 57% worth of description in the books). New scenes have been added, such as the establishing scene for lead character Tyrion Lannister, to show the series' production values, and a new character has been written in named Ros, a prostitute with a well-developed and rounded character development arc. Aside from these minor changes, HBO have so far stuck faithfully to the 20,459 sub-plots which make up the plotline. Critical response to the series thus far has largely been positive. In particular, many critics have praised the performance of Peter Dinklage as Tyrion, with Postern Banksy of The Guardian writing "if Dinklage doesn't get an Emmy, I will find whoever organises that dripping fungus of an awards ceremony and I will tie them down and bleed on them. Seriously. I will fuck their shit right up, you won't believe it. I'll put the bastard's face on the side of a milk carton."
Setting
Game of Thrones is set primarily on the continent of Westeros, which is divided into seven kingdoms. As a favour to stupid people, areas of the continent are often referred to by compass direction, such as "the North" or "the South," and the series begins with a handy map showing the viewer where each episode will be set. Westeros is a diverse landscape, reflecting many real-world locations such as England, Scandinavia and Middle-Earth. The exception is the storyline of Daenerys Targaryen, which is set on the continent of Essos, where the economy runs largely on eating horses and bumming slave-boys.
In case anyone loses the plot, there's a lot of this to keep some viewers happy.
Westeros
Winterfell: The home Eddard Stark and his family, Winterfell is a balls-ass freezing castle in the North. It tends to vary in size, from a simple courtyard to something approaching Gormenghast castle, but most witnesses agree that it is definitely a structure of some sort. Notable locations include the Well, the Piss-up Hall and the Tower of Twincest.
King's Landing: The Capital of the Seven Kingdoms, King's Landing is an enormous city built entirely from yellow Lego bricks. It is the seat of the royal family, and the location of the the Super Sweet-Ass Chair from which the series takes its name. A night out in King's Landing has been described as "creamy and gentle. Right up until the fisting." The city tourist board have rejected this statement, however: "We deny any knowledge of unlawful fisting in King's Landing. The reviewer just happened to jump ass-first from a window as King Robert was passing by and stretching his big, fat arms." In response, the king shouted "BOOBIES!" and attempted to drink his squire's liver.
The Eyrie: Hey, you want to hide? I have the perfect place for you. The Eyrie is a tumescent erection sat atop a sheer outcrop of rock, miles from anywhere, a throbbing stone penis impregnable to anyone except the most determined and horny of sellswords. The Eyrie is the home of the warden of the East, and as such manages to create the perfect storm of being a power thrusting into the realm whilst being completely unassailable. The Eyrie's regent, Lysa Tully has in the past ailed to take advantage of this unique position due to a slight case of bat fuck insanity.
The Wall: Whilst Winterfell is balls-ass freezing, The Wall is a seven hundred foot wall of ice that takes it one step further by freezing your balls, your ass, your penis and your happy trail into one terrible icy lump. The Wall stands at the edge of the Seven Kingdoms, a seven hundred foot wall of ice that protects the Kingdom from wildlings and other, mysterious threats from the far, frozen north. The seven hundred foot wall of ice is manned by the Night's Watch, and is the only real line of defence against the threat of the White Walkers, a mysterious enemy long passed into legend. Rumours of budget constraints in showing the dreaded White Walkers were dismissed as "a load of tosh and pebbles. Spare any change?" by HBO producer Zambang De Dineedang.
Beyond The Wall: A common belief in Westeros is that The Wall is the end of the world. This is completely retarded, as the area beyond The Wall is home to freakish blue-eyed murderous zombie-type things called wights. The ensuing terror is sufficient to leave most viewers crying like a cissy bitch being gangbanged by furiously horny mammoths. Looks a bit like Canada.
Winterfell: The home Eddard Stark and his family, Winterfell is a balls-ass freezing castle in the North. It tends to vary in size, from a simple courtyard to something approaching Gormenghast castle, but most witnesses agree that it is definitely a structure of some sort. Notable locations include the Well, the Piss-up Hall and the Tower of Twincest.
King's Landing: The Capital of the Seven Kingdoms, King's Landing is an enormous city built entirely from yellow Lego bricks. It is the seat of the royal family, and the location of the the Super Sweet-Ass Chair from which the series takes its name. A night out in King's Landing has been described as "creamy and gentle. Right up until the fisting." The city tourist board have rejected this statement, however: "We deny any knowledge of unlawful fisting in King's Landing. The reviewer just happened to jump ass-first from a window as King Robert was passing by and stretching his big, fat arms." In response, the king shouted "BOOBIES!" and attempted to drink his squire's liver.
The Eyrie: Hey, you want to hide? I have the perfect place for you. The Eyrie is a tumescent erection sat atop a sheer outcrop of rock, miles from anywhere, a throbbing stone penis impregnable to anyone except the most determined and horny of sellswords. The Eyrie is the home of the warden of the East, and as such manages to create the perfect storm of being a power thrusting into the realm whilst being completely unassailable. The Eyrie's regent, Lysa Tully has in the past ailed to take advantage of this unique position due to a slight case of bat fuck insanity.
The Wall: Whilst Winterfell is balls-ass freezing, The Wall is a seven hundred foot wall of ice that takes it one step further by freezing your balls, your ass, your penis and your happy trail into one terrible icy lump. The Wall stands at the edge of the Seven Kingdoms, a seven hundred foot wall of ice that protects the Kingdom from wildlings and other, mysterious threats from the far, frozen north. The seven hundred foot wall of ice is manned by the Night's Watch, and is the only real line of defence against the threat of the White Walkers, a mysterious enemy long passed into legend. Rumours of budget constraints in showing the dreaded White Walkers were dismissed as "a load of tosh and pebbles. Spare any change?" by HBO producer Zambang De Dineedang.
Beyond The Wall: A common belief in Westeros is that The Wall is the end of the world. This is completely retarded, as the area beyond The Wall is home to freakish blue-eyed murderous zombie-type things called wights. The ensuing terror is sufficient to leave most viewers crying like a cissy bitch being gangbanged by furiously horny mammoths. Looks a bit like Canada.
The Narrow Sea that separates Essos from Westeros. Only the Westerosi, who have played Oregon Trail, know how to cross the ocean.
Essos
Pentos: Pentos is where Daenerys starts her journey. It is a luxurious city of marble and gardens, where women frolic around naked and (it can be assumed) everything smells like flowers.
The Dothraki Sea: The Dothraki, nomadic horselords who ride around giving lessons in badassery and stabbity death, have an enormous fear of the sea, which they refer to as the "poison water." Residents of Essos have therefore humourously named the great grassy plains they inhabit the "Dothraki Sea." Because fuck you, Dothraki.
Vaes Dothrak: The Dothraki's only city, it is deceptive in that it looks exactly like there isn't anything there at all. It is forbidden to spill blood in Vaes Dothrak, so disputes are typically settled with slapping and Chinese burns. The city is the capital of the Dothraki race, and the various khalasars meet here at important times to hold a giant orgy and horse-heart chewing contest.
The Shadowlands Beyond Asshai: No idea. But Jorah Mormont keeps mentioning them, and when you have his chin everything you say is important, especially in a voice that suggests it has been inhaling campfire smoke for years.
Characters
Currently, the only known story with a longer character list than Game of Thrones is British Telecom's epic The Phone Book. This has created problems for the series, as they were unable to recruit the entire population of any small countries to help out. Early rumours persisted that the show would largely be cast from kidnapped Oompa-Loompas, but screen tests for the part of Ser Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane proved that orange dwarves did not perform well as seven-foot-tall madmen. Of the original Oompa-Loompa cast, only Peter Dinklage remains. Some of the principal characters are listed below.
Essos
Pentos: Pentos is where Daenerys starts her journey. It is a luxurious city of marble and gardens, where women frolic around naked and (it can be assumed) everything smells like flowers.
The Dothraki Sea: The Dothraki, nomadic horselords who ride around giving lessons in badassery and stabbity death, have an enormous fear of the sea, which they refer to as the "poison water." Residents of Essos have therefore humourously named the great grassy plains they inhabit the "Dothraki Sea." Because fuck you, Dothraki.
Vaes Dothrak: The Dothraki's only city, it is deceptive in that it looks exactly like there isn't anything there at all. It is forbidden to spill blood in Vaes Dothrak, so disputes are typically settled with slapping and Chinese burns. The city is the capital of the Dothraki race, and the various khalasars meet here at important times to hold a giant orgy and horse-heart chewing contest.
The Shadowlands Beyond Asshai: No idea. But Jorah Mormont keeps mentioning them, and when you have his chin everything you say is important, especially in a voice that suggests it has been inhaling campfire smoke for years.
Characters
Currently, the only known story with a longer character list than Game of Thrones is British Telecom's epic The Phone Book. This has created problems for the series, as they were unable to recruit the entire population of any small countries to help out. Early rumours persisted that the show would largely be cast from kidnapped Oompa-Loompas, but screen tests for the part of Ser Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane proved that orange dwarves did not perform well as seven-foot-tall madmen. Of the original Oompa-Loompa cast, only Peter Dinklage remains. Some of the principal characters are listed below.
Jaime Lannister takes a moment to remind his men that if they laugh at his matching hair & armour again, he will bugger them with a bodkin. Or he might be staring longingly at his sister. He's the Kingslayer, he can do what he wants.
Starks (AKA "The Decent Chaps")
Eddard "Nigerian Prince? Sounds legit" Stark: Eddard ("Ned" to his buddies) is honourable, loyal, strong and so stupid it's astonishing he lasted beyond the opening credits. He seems to trust everyone, even the blood-soaked man in the clown outfit encountered when visiting Duskendale, and predictably ends up being thrown into a dungeon. To rub salt into the wound, he is captured by a man whose nickname implies that his penis is much, much smaller than Ned's.
Catelyn "Lannisters. Lannisters everywhere" Stark: Formerly Catelyn Tully, Eddard's wife and sister to Lysa "Left-Eye" Tully, Catelyn is a mild-mannered woman in nearly all things. The only exception is that she will go freaking mental when there are dwarves, bastards, or bastard dwarves in the room. On her travels she kidnaps Tyrion Lannister, which causes the Queen, her brother and their father Tywin some small annoyance and starts a war. Nice going.
The Stark Children: Since the unexplained disappearance of baby Rickon, thought stolen by grumkins prior to the series' beginning, there are four legitimate Stark children: Robb, Sansa, Bran and Arya. They are more commonly known by their nicknames Northern, Bitchy, Shit Legs and I Will Fuck You Up if You Annoy Me, respectively.
Hodor: Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor. Hodor hodor hodor hodor, hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor, hodor hodor, hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor. Hodor. Yep, that's about it for this character's development so far.
Lannisters (AKA "The Fucking Lannisters")
Cersei "One Penis and I'll Rule Them All" Lannister: The Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, mother of the heir to the Iron Throne, babelicious buxom royal totty, and cold-hearted super-bitch currently scheming her way into ultimate power. Spoiler: she's fucking her brother.
Jaime "The Fuckest Upest" Lannister: Brother to Cersei, sworn knight of the Kingsguard, slayer of Aerys II, the last Targaryen king, and an amoral mess of charm and violence. Spoiler: he throws a child from a window. And he's fucking his sister.
Tyrion "It's What You do With It" Lannister: A dwarf with more inventive euphemisms for masturbation than there are characters in this story. Though he has but a tiny frame, there exists the essence of several huge men in his loins alone. Probably the sharpest character in the series, his intellect appears to be only enhanced by a steady diet of booze, whores and sarcastic one-liners.
Baratheons (AKA Corpulent Rex and the Mystery of the Blondes")
Tyrion Lannister demostrating the ancient martial art "imp-fu."
Robert "MORE TITTIES" Baratheon: King of the Andals and the First Men...titles titles titles...Robert is a fat bastard, okay not in the "technical" sense, who likes nothing better than to stick either his sword or his penis into the warm, wet nether regions of another person. Initially a rather jolly fellow with a love of booze and wenches, Robert also proves to be a bit of an arsehole, ordering the death of a pregnant woman and insulting everyone he meets. He also slaps his wife.
Joffrey "Cunt. Seriously. He's Just an Utter, Utter Cunt" Baratheon: Son of Cersei Lannister and heir to Robert, Joffrey is...well, you read his nickname. He gets away with his all-consuming douchebaggery because he's the Prince, and because of his fearsome bodyguard, Burnt Face Man. Science has proved with bar graphs that no orgasm can possibly be as satisfying as watching Tyrion slap the slimy little bastard in episode two.
Renly "The Straight Man" Baratheon: The King's more fabulous younger brother, Renly is often found being the voice of reason against Robert's blusterfucking and Ned's refusal to get his hands dirty. He and his even-more-fabulous lover Loras Tyrell plot to take the throne between blowjobs.
Stannis "Who the Hell is Stannis" Baratheon: Is crazy, crazy, crazy, and crazy. The adjectives prove accurate when burning people alive.
Members of the Court (AKA "The King's Circle Jerkers")
Petyr "I Might Cut You Just Because I Can" Baelish: Known as "Littlefinger," Petyr is an effortlessly charming backstabber with a penchant for voyeurism and explaining his evil schemes to whores. This effectively makes him the Westeros version of a Bond villain, except that he's so damn charming you can't dislike him. Even when he's stabbing kittens in the face.
Varys "The Cockless Wonder": A eunuch and "master of whispers," which is fancy talk for nosey bastard (or Spymaster). Varys spends much of his time floating around like a powdered egg, making everyone's skin crawl, and doing generally shady things in dungeons. Despite his obvious disadvantage he likes nothing better than playing "my cock is bigger than yours" with Littlefinger.
Grand Maester "He's a Big Fat Phoney!" Pycelle: Maester Pycelle is the grandest maester in all the land, and appears to be your average bumbling, run-of-the-mill magical grandpa. That is, until his passionate thirst for children's blood kicks in; his massive white beard hides a chin full of conniving and unforgiving brutality. However, though he outranks all the other maesters in the land, he still answers to the even more elder, even more whiter-bearded clan of misters.
The Night's Watch (AKA "The Virgins")
Jon "Smouldering" Snow: Jon Snow is a mystery. A Targaryen mystery.
Samwell "A Wizard did it!" Tarly: Sam Tarly is the oversized baby whose father threatened to murder him if he didn't join the Night's Watch. Unfortunately for Sam, he wasn't familiar with Westeros' laws against abortion, and joined the Night's Watch anyway. When he isn't complaining about the weather, he is usually found sniffing around in Jon Snow's underpants drawer. The concept of an overweight, bumbling comic relief sidekick called Sam has been praised as a completely original concept.
Across the Narrow Sea
Daenerys "Fuck You, I'm the Khaleeshi" Targaryen: 13-year old Daenerys is an albino and, along with her brother, the last surviving member of the Taragaryen royal family, who were the kings in Westeros before Robert came and fucked them up 'n shiz. She goes from a scared little girl to an ass-kicking Khaleeshi in an impressive four episodes.
Viserys "I'm the Dragon, beeeeeetch" Targaryen: Physically older than his sister Daenerys, though not mentally, Viserys combines the platinum hair of an aging stripper with the obnoxious attitude of a 12-year old playing Halo online with one hand whilst surfing 4Chan with the other. He finds out the hard way that it's generally a bad idea to threaten the unborn child of a warrior king in front of him. This information has now been added to Wikipedia, to prevent others from making the same mistake.
Khal "KHAL DROGO!!!" Drogo: Warlord of the Dothraki, or at least as many of them as are willing to be led, Khal Drogo is six-plus foot of pure fucking man. When not striding around like a barbarian god come to kick everyone's ass, Khal Drogo spends his time chewing barbed wire, waving his massive wang around and fighting off bears that have been armed with other bears. Spending more than two minutes in his presence will result in him having sex with you whether you like it or not.
Plot
The plot can be difficult to follow at times. Luckily, Seven Kingdoms News is on hand to keep you informed.
There is a lot of plot in Game of Thrones. Normal television usually has some plot, and good television often has a fairly weighty volume of plot to carry it along, but Game of Thrones is the first known television series with enough plot to have its own gravitational pull. Between the ten thousand characters, the multiple locations across two continents, the 7,000 years of backstory...it gets a little scratchy-heady at times.
Reception
Since airing, Game of Thrones has averaged twelfty million viewers per episode. Early indicators show that the viewers have been 100% male, 100% aged 13-19 and largely sourced from the "plays dungeons and dragons," "likes history" and "would, like, totally do Roxanne McKee" demographics. At the time of the series' beginning, the viewership was estimated at 90% straight, but this figure fell to the low 20's after witnessing Khal Drogo's speech at the climax of episode seven.
Critical Reception
American audiences were reportedly "dazed and confused" at the concept of a British villain not played by Alan Rickman. British audiences responded to the lack of national stereotyping by scrabbling for something new to complain about.
Game of Thrones has received a large amount of critical attention, with upwards of 54 new online threads being made each day with the subject "Game of Thrones, new TV show full of boobs!" Fan response from these discussions has been positive regarding the number of boobs, the quality of the boobs on display, the variation in boob types and the corresponding quality of the bums to which the boobs are connected. However, a small but disturbing sub-section of the fanbase have complained at the lack of boobage from Sophie Turner, who plays Sansa. The question of who possesses the superior set of boobs has seen a large amount of academic scrutiny, and is the subject of Gus Face's thesis A Cleavage in Twain: Round Royal Boobies and the Division of a Fanbase.
The average review scores for Game of Thrones stand at 83% "praline-filled" against 17% "needs corrective surgery." Roger Bieber has described the series as "a buffet of flesh and accents, it gave me the most magnificent of erections. Wait, which series was this again?" whilst Heebee Internet wrote "I have never seen anything so...so, truly...so wanton, so clearly a product of a deranged imagination. It was disgusting, violent, perverted...I was thrilled."
Some criticisms have been levelled at the show. Dr. Pransa Abu-Hamza, among others, wrote a scathing review of the lesbian sex scene in episode seven. "The orgasms were clearly faked," he wrote, "and there was an annoying short man talking over it all. The camera angles were all wrong, with barely any vagina on display, and I failed to understand the subtext. I will not be renting this porno again, and I do not advise others to watch it for any amount of money or cocaine." Other criticisms have been levelled at the amount of British actors in the show. Hank Hanker, writing for NRA Monthly, described the show as "confusing as heck! They got all these Brits in there and not one of them's drinking tea! And they aren't all the bad guys, either, this is all totally wrong." The producers responded by pointing out that one actor, Aiden Gillen, is Irish.
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